sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
