I met the friendliest cop last night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
