Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
