Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
