Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
