I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize