How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
