so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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