you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
false alarm. still invincible.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
