i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
