Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
