woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
