I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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