He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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