Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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