I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
