I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just had sex on a roof
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
