You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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