Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
