saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize