its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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