if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
