i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
