if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
