I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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