I faked an abortion last night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Randomize
