Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize