so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
