Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
