Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
