yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
