i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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