one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
