Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
