I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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