Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
