Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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