It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
