Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize