Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
