i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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