Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
