we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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