New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize