I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
