No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
