My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
