But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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