Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
