After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
