Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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