If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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