Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
