I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
