I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
