He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
