Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
