About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
