I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
